


The Best Boyfriend A Criminal Could Ask For

by iamveryverycrazyvery



Category: Futurama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-11-08 21:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 8,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17988692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamveryverycrazyvery/pseuds/iamveryverycrazyvery
Summary: After their final appearance in the Futurama, Joey and Clamps begin to date. And as a new robot joins the mafia, their privacy is on the verge of being invaded.





	1. 5:56pm, March 23, 3013

**Author's Note:**

> This story is split up into three sections.  
> Section 1: Chapters 1-6  
> Section 2: Chapters 7-15
> 
> The final section will be added when it is released.

Once the open-rooved hovercar had swerved into a dark alley, the two robots collapsed in their seats, sighing.  
"That was the best heist ever." Clamps announced. "I actually got to use my clamps for something!"  
"Yeah..." Joey replied, glancing nervously at his partner in crime, and then at his feet. "Listen, Clamps, there's somethin' I need to tell you."  
"What?" Clamps asked quietly, and waited for the information.  
"I'm... I'm gay." Joey confessed.  
"Oh. Okay." Clamps responded calmly, looking ahead. "I don't care."  
"That's not all." Joey began again, forcing the words out of him. "I... I... I like you. In that way."  
What followed was a silence so piercing it could've made every sentient being deaf. A pin drop would've been the loudest thing in existence.  
"Oh." Clamps said, after what felt like an eternity, as he continued to stare blankly. Disappointed, Joey did the only thing he knew how to do: carry on. 

But as he impatiently started the ignition, Clamps' head jerked in his direction.  
"What, you ain't gonna ask me out, or somethin'?" He questioned, confusedly.  
"What?" Joey stopped the engine, surprised. "But you're not..."  
Clamps stared at Joey, slightly intimidatingly.  
"...are you?" Joey stuttered.  
Clamps' stare became even more intimidating.  
"...but you dated..." Joey continued, clenching the wheel.  
Eyes narrowing, Clamps' gaze turned into an "Are you fucking serious?" face.  
"...you're Bi?" Joey finally asked in disbelief.  
"Yes! Yes! How did it take you 9 words to figure that out?" Clamps answered, sarcastically angry.  
"Wow..." Joey muttered, still a little bit taken aback, yet smiling on the inside. He wasn't sure what to say next. "Well then, do you wanna go out?"  
Stroking his chin, Clamps thought for a second.  
"Tell you what: let's go on one date, and then I'll see if I want to go on another one. How about that?"  
"Okay." Joey responded, trying to contain his overflowing excitement.  
As the sun peacefully began to set, the sky behind them was filled with a stunning shade of orange. Something had just begun.


	2. 6:17pm, March 24: Date No.1

Steadily, Joey poured the maroon liquid into two small cylindrical glasses, making the ice cubes clink as it filled. Him and Clamps were sitting at a table for two at Hugo's French, a classy new restaurant with rave reviews. Buzzing with cheer, the atmosphere had enough excitement, but not so much that the noise ruined any romance that could happen.  
"You look nice." He said, placing the bottle down on the table.  
"Thanks." Clamps replied, veiling how flattered he was, even though he was only wearing a white shirt and a red tie. Joey's bright turquoise t-shirt was much more eye-catching.   
"So, when did you start likin' me like that?" He asked, leaning forward and putting his arms on the table.  
"Well..." Joey picked up his glass and raised it to his mouth. "I guess it was that night a couple years ago. We were outside that party, and I told you that I felt lonely. Do you remember?"  
"Yeah. ...you know, now that I know you're gay, the things you said that night make more sense." Clamps realised.  
"I guess..." Joey said, not quite understanding what was meant.  
"Like how I told you there would probably be plenty of girls for you, and you just responded with "Girls..." disappointedly." Clamps reminded  
"Oh yeah, of course." Joey remembered. "You were really insistent on making me feel better, but when you started cryin', I saw your sensitive side. Those things made me consider you as a boyfriend." He stopped and chuckled briefly. "I realised I was quite in favour of that idea."  
Clamps nodded in agreement. Thick and rich, the scent of French cooking flowed into everyone's nostrils and smell receptors. Not sure what to say, the two of them stared at each other until it was too awkward to look any longer.

"I never woulda known you were gay, you covered it up well." Clamps said, attempting to break the silence.  
"Thanks, I guess." Joey responded humbly. "I never would've known you were Bi, either. When did you realise?"  
The robot opposite pondered for a moment as all the other groups of people continued to converse.  
"Well, I guess I've known for a while. It's kind of weird, but the first time I found a guy attractive was watching Ultimate Robot Fighting." Clamps explained. Letting out a minuscule snigger, Joey covered his mouth in embarrassment, causing an irritated Clamps to slit his eyes. "Hey! Don't judge! You're into me!" He retaliated. Falling silent, Joey averted his gaze.  
"Good point." He admitted, solemnly. It probably wasn't wise to laugh at his date on the first night, but since they had been friends prior for a long time, it seemed to be okay.   
"What about you?" He questioned, staring into the pool of liquid he was grasping.  
"I've always known." Said Joey, honestly. "From when I was in school. Not as interesting, I know, but I had a crush on my best friend." He paused briefly, to take another sip. "He's the only other person I've told. He's straight, but he was pretty chill about it."

As the night continued, a spark was steadily ignited, whilst the two chatted on about their lives and everything else they could bond over. Despite the delicious food, Clamps realised that the evening was really made so fantastic was by the man he was sitting opposite to. How close him and Joey had been helped them to slip into a more romantic setting more smoothly, and it had been wonderful. When the night was drawing to a close, he climbed into the taxi, and he was asked a pretty important question by that very person.  
"So, do you think I'll be getting that second date?"  
Clamps smiled with his eyes, staring fondly back at Joey. He really was kind (to him, anyway), and he could undoubtedly feel that he was ready to commit. It didn't take him a second to answer, because he had already made up his mind.  
"Yes. Definitely." He replied confidently. After the door closed, Joey signed a phone by his ear, and Clamps considerately waved back. Zooming away, the taxi drove off down the lively Manhattan street, and Joey proudly did a little victory dance on the sidewalk. He knew that he was making a fool of himself, but he didn't care. He was more overjoyed than ever.


	3. 7:49pm,16 April: Date No. 4

At dusk, Clamps and Joey were walking side by side down the street, chatting, laughing, and feeling good.  
"Y'know, Joey," Clamps turned his head "even though we've only been on four dates, I've really enjoyed them."   
Joey smiled on the inside.  
"That's good, I'm glad." He responded lightly.  
"I wasn't sure I was ready to get back into a relationship, after the way Expe treated me." Clamps continued, whilst looking at the ground despairingly. "I also wasn't sure about dating my friend, I didn't want it to ruin anything between us." He stared at Joey vulnerably. "And also, you're the first guy I've dated. But, I really like being with you! I feel..." He searched impatiently for the words. "...calm and relaxed when I spend time with you. It's the only time I don't want to constantly shout about my Clamps!"  
Joey quietly giggled knowingly. Casually, Clamps leaned against the wall next to them, one clamp on his waist.   
"I'm really flattered." Joey responded quietly, as he moved in closer and put his arm around his date.  
"Hey, since this is, y'know, official... can I call you by your actual name?" He asked. Surprised, Clamps looked at Joey in slight confusion.  
"But I thought you found it funny?" He mentioned.  
"Yeah, well..." Joey glanced at the ground. "...I actually think it's pretty cute. It fits you."  
If Clamps was human, he would be blushing.  
"Well, sure." He allowed, glancing upwards, and then wrapping his arms around Joey's shoulders. 

There was a brief pause as the two were staring into each others eyes, not quite sure what to do next. Unexplainably nervous, Joey hesitantly began to lean in. Was this the right thing to do? Would he regret it if he tried? Clamps continued to stare, unreactive. Closing his eyes, Joey drew closer as he braced himself for the worst possible outcome. But, somehow, Clamps also began to lean forward. As their mouths touched, Joey's eyes burst open in surprise, but he quickly closed them. Thoroughly enjoyed by both sides, the kiss lasted a glorious 4.7 seconds. Eventually, Clamps pushed Joey away gently.  
"Can we go to your place?" he asked quietly.  
"Whatever you say, Francis." He replied, stroking the back of his boyfriend's head.


	4. 8:32pm, June 2, Date No. 11

Flopping back onto the mattress, Joey exhaled heavily.  
"Wow..." He gasped. "That was amazin'."   
"Oh yeah..." Francis agreed, lying opposite to him, equally thrilled. Joey glanced over at him.  
"Glad I got a dick installed."  
"Heh. Me too." Francis stretched his arms upwards. "You really do fuck hard."  
"Damn, thanks!" Joey chirped. Closing his eyes, Francis laughed silently.  
"Dude, when you're that ecstatic, it kills the mood."  
"Well, Sorry!" Joey shouted. Francis burst out laughing. "It's okay." He said apologetically. Sighing deeply, Joey lifted up the duvet, left the bed and shuffled towards his bathroom door. He swiftly reached behind it and retrieved a bleach white gown, which he proceeded to put on.   
"I gotta spare one if you like." He offered, but Francis shook his head.  
He then strolled into the kitchen connected to his bedroom.  
"Want anythin'?" He called, peering round the doorway.  
"No thanks," Francis replied. "I've got everythin' I need already." His tone of voice lowered.  
Secretly glowing, Joey returned to making a coffee for himself. 

As the ingredients rolled into the china cup, there were three knocks at the door, to which Joey rolled his eyes. Once he had made his way through the kitchen to the front of his apartment, he warily cracked the door open, before asking who it was.  
"Oh, Bella, it's you." He realised, opening the door wider.   
"Hi Joey," Bella greeted, relatively monotone fashion. "Daddy asked me to return this." She lazily held out a polished silver watch Joey had stolen a couple of days ago.   
"Damn, I'm so forgetful sometimes." He laughed as he took the watch out of Bella's hands.  
"I like your gown." Bella continued casually, inspecting Joey from head to toe. He could've been having a shower, but she noted that his apartment wasn't particularly steamy. Then, an idea formulated in her brain.  
"Oh, thanks?" Joey responded inquisitively.   
"Joey, you don't by any chance have romantic company over?" She asked, smugly. Panicking, an apocalypse began in Joey's head.  
"What? Uh, N-no! Why would I have romantic company? There's nobody here 'xcept me!" He lied, flustered.  
"Well, in that case, you won't mind me coming in." She responded smartly, quickly moving one step closer to the door. Now Joey was really freaking out.  
"I-I'm sorry, but, i-it's a mess in here, wasn't expectin' visitors, thanks for comin'! See you later, bye!" He said at the speed of light, and the aggressively slammed the door.

"Wow, Joey. What a great way to cover up." Francis shouted sarcastically from the bedroom.  
"Isn't ain't not my fault I'm a terrible liar!" Joey retaliated, on return.  
Francis, who had gotten up now, strode over to where Joey was standing in the doorway.  
"If you want us to date, you're gonna have to improve your lyin' skills a lot." He instructed whilst using a lot of clamp gestures. "Nobody knows who she'll tell!"  
"Alright, alright! I'll get better!" He reluctantly replied, like a teenager getting told off by their parents. Rolling his eyes, he picked up a cigar from his bedside table, and grooved over to the window."'scuse me one sec," He said as he opened the window.


	5. 9:44am, June 3

"There he is." Called the Donbot as he spied Joey walking through the freezer door.  
"Um, hi." He replied, elegantly shutting the door. "What's up?"  
"Well," Don began, curious "Bella told me that when she visited, you had company, but wasn't willing to share who."  
Jerking back a little, Joey's eyes quickly widened.  
"Aw, fuck." He exclaimed. Francis, who was sitting next to Don, revealed his face from the newspaper he was reading in order to give Joey the "I told you so" look.   
"So," Don continued, putting his hands together like the evil mastermind he was "You gonna tell us?"  
Irritated, Joey sternly crossed his arms, like a teacher who's student just failed their exams.  
"No. It's confidential." He stated assertively.  
"Oh c'mon, what'ya hiding?" Don asked, trying to sway him.  
"A whole buncha nunya." Joey said.  
Francis, who was currently absent from the conversation, began to think behind the veil of his newspaper. If he were to act as if he didn't know who it was, and wanted to find out, nobody would ever suspect that the mystery person was him.  
"Yeah, Joey, c'mon and tell us." He requested, as he settled his newspaper on the table.  
Although it took a second for Joey to process Francis's last action, he understood eventually.  
"Well I ain't tellin'!" He angrily turned 180 degrees.  
"But why?" Don asked, desperately.  
Letting out a short shout of annoyance, Joey dashed out of the freezer, leaving the door open.   
"I... I'll go talk to him." Said Francis, prior to speedily following Joey out the door.

"You can't just do that, Joey." Francis told Joey sympathetically, as he approached him on the sunny New New York street.  
"I know, I know." Joey moaned guiltily, with his head in his hands. "I just dunno what to do in that kinda situation. I panicked." Like bad students standing outside the principal's office, they both looked at the ground hesitantly. "I never had to hide anythin' like this before."  
"Neither." Francis agreed.  
"I am sorry that I suck at lyin'." Joey apologised sincerely.   
"It's okay. I know it's not your fault." Francis forgave. "Didn't you ever lie to your parents?"  
"...I was too honest. If it ever came to that, I'd just try to avoid them askin' me."  
"How d'ya even survive criminality?" Francis questioned.  
"Well, y'know, Don does most of the talking, I usually just get away without sayin' anythin'." Joey explained.  
"I suppose, yeah." Francis realised, carefully putting his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders. After a noisy hovertruck drove past, there was a moment of peace as the two robots stared at each other once more.   
"What now?" Joey quietly mentioned.  
"I guess you're just gonna have to tell him sternly that it's private, but that he shouldn't worry about it." Francis suggested.  
"Yeah, alright." Joey agreed, as he began to walk back.


	6. 9:04pm, August 16th, Date No. 22

Relaxing on the mattress, Joey had his arms wrapped around Francis, stroking his chest gently. The grey bed sheets covered their lower halves.  
"Mmm..." Francis moaned quietly, his eyes closed.  
"I love holdin' you." Joey whispered. Sighing contently, they both gazed at each other.  
"Joey..." Francis began, "...bein' with you, it..." He paused "...I think it's helping to lessen my anger issues."  
"Really?" Joey questioned doubtfully. "I'm sure it's just that you gotten better at dealin' with it." He held him tighter.  
"No, really!" Francis exclaimed. "I'm sure it's the reason." Putting his arms on Joey's shoulders, he positioned himself so they were chest to chest and face to face. "I told you before that you relax me, right?"  
Looking for words, Joey mumbled nervously.  
"Thank you." Francis said.  
"Don't... don't mention it." Joey struggled to say. The two of them continued to maintain the least awkward, most pleasant eye contact ever. Eventually, Francis comfortably put his head just above Joey's chest and shut his eyes, like an animal going into hibernation. A little overwhelmed by emotion, Joey looked up at the dimly lit ceiling.

"I love you."

As the words rolled out of his mouth, he became aware of the mistake he had made.  
"Fuck, I'm so sorry." Joey apologised, frantically. He let Francis out of his grip and sat up promptly. "I, I didn't mean to say that."  
"Joey, it's fine." Francis tried to say.  
"I'll leave." Joey interrupted, as he removed the bed sheets and rapidly left the bed.  
"Joey..." Francis tried again.  
"I'm sorry!" Joey cried out again, as he desperately stomped towards the bedroom door.  
"Joey!" Francis shouted, now sat up.  
Startled, Joey spun around. In the pause, Francis fidgeted his clamps.  
"I... I love you too." He muttered. Since Joey couldn't do anything but stand and stare, Francis got up and casually stepped over to him.  
"Really?" Joey finally blurted out. Almost instantly, Francis nodded.  
"Really." He answered affirmatively. Then, Francis once again leaned forward and kissed Joey softly (well, as soft as a robot could kiss). After an indescribable moment or two, he pulled away. Flattered, Joey nervously stared at the ground.  
"Wow." He stuttered.

If passion is like a fire, The two of them were currently burning a bonfires inside them.


	7. 10:18pm, 3rd January, 3014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Section 2:
> 
> Thank you all for waiting patiently. From now on, the story features an original character, Expedius/Expe. Here is a link to an image of a drawing I did. The one on the right has a more accurate colour scheme: https://ibb.co/SJbdhqY
> 
> I understand that my art skills are not very good, but hopefully you can at least get a vague idea of what she looks like. In addition, I have included a descriptive paragraph. I apologise if the plot takes a turn that you didn't expect or you don't like.
> 
> Enjoy.

"Oh fuck, it's her."

It had now been around 10 months since Joey and Francis had started dating, and there didn't seem to any complaints from either side. Sure, they had arguments occasionally, but they always found a way to solve it like mature adults. If only all their gang feuds could be settled like that. In addition, they found that they were notably more honest and open with each other than they had been when they were just friends. Now that they had a romantic connection, there was so much more for them to explore, both physically, mentally and emotionally. In a life in which they were both often required to be tough, they had salvaged a place where they were allowed to breathe and take honest comfort in one and other.

It was a cloudy, wintry evening in New New York. Due to an accident, all glass tube transport around the city was unavailable, irritatingly meaning that everybody had to take the bus, which was usually near deserted. Our couple, who had just been to see a movie together, were standing passively next to each other, clutching onto the green bars embedded into the structure of the bus. As the vehicle continued to experience miniature earthquakes as they hovered along, Francis glanced around the crowd that had the bus packed as tight as sardines. But something caught his eye, which led him to curse anxiously under his breath. 

Aware, Joey glanced up from the mind-numbing projection of his EyePhone. "Francis, what's up?" He whispered, leaning towards him.  
Deliberately staring at the ground, Francis didn't flinch. "My ex is here." He looked warily at Joey. "You remember, Expedius?" He reminded.  
"Oh, right." Joey understood.

A few years back, Francis had dated a fembot named Expedius, who was a carefree lone wolf who conducted all of her robberies single-handedly with extreme success. Although they seemed to be deeply in love at the time, Francis walked in on her tangled up with another man. However, instead of him being the angry one, Expedius turned the tables and dumped all the blame on Francis, claiming he was "overly-romantic" or "boring". Ripping him to absolute shreds, Francis couldn't stop crying for the entire evening. But, to stop himself from seeming fragile, he told himself to man up and push his sorrows away to the very back of his mind. The news of their breakup was only revealed to Joey after he said that Francis wasn't able to relate to the sorrow of being single. Surprisingly, this was the first time Joey had seen his colleague show any other emotion than anger or happiness. And for somehow, that made him attracted to him.

As the bus began to slow, Francis impatiently clasped Joey's wrist.  
"She gets off on the same stop as us." He explained briefly, staring Joey directly in the eyes. "We gotta move fast."  
Clunking, the bus halted, and the automatic doors slid elegantly open. Forcefully yanked forward, Joey was dragged swiftly out of the grand vehicle by Francis, who was speed walking for his life down the street.  
"Francis." A mid-range female voice said.  
He arrogantly continued to drag Joey along.  
"Hey, don't pretend you can't hear me!" The voice called once again.  
Francis halted. As if in a melodrama, he gradually rotated his head around like an owl, his eyes in slits.  
"I'm sorry, you don't have the privilege of callin' me that anymore." He responded, crossing his arms and turning his entire body in that direction. 

Expedius was a little taller than Francis, with a violet coating and an oval-shaped head. Her body was cylindrical and split into two, with two smaller cylindrical panels connecting the parts at the front and back. Despite her eyelashes and hair, pink and green resembling silly string or confetti, she wasn’t the most feminine character. 

What stood in front of him was the woman who broke his heart six years ago.  
And yes, he was nervous to lay eyes on her again, but several months with a far more emotionally open companion meant he was ready to express how he felt like nobody's business. Sure, she could stand there, clutching her fancy handbag in her catwalk pose, but he wasn't afraid anymore. 

Expedius rolled her eyes. "Well... Clamps, then," She began. "I have to ask your something." Francis's piercing gaze shifted into a slightly more confused expression.  
"I'm sick of being alone." Expedius revealed. "Sure, my crimes are successful, but I'm bored with 'em. Maybe if I was part of a team, it would be more fun, y'know?"  
"Okay, so you cheat on me, make me cry, break my heart, and then expect me to recruit you into the Mafia?" Francis snapped.  
"Look, I know what I did to you was fucked up, and of course I wanna apologise sincerely!" Expedius retaliated. "But y'know that if I apologised right before asking you to let me in your group, it would look like I was just doing it just so I could join." Francis was not amused, and turned ninety degrees, maintaining his aggravated expression.  
"I'm sorry... I... I really am." She began shamefully. "I'm not good with confrontation, so I turned the tables onto you." Pausing, she glanced up, almost sympathetically.  
"I thought if I was angry, you couldn't be."

For a while, she went on explaining how she regretted that she didn't express her dissatisfaction with the relationship and jump straight to seeing someone else. Remorsefully, she claimed that she had thought Francis was too delicate to deal with such a reveal of emotions, but how he had presented himself today made her feel foolish to do so.

"I'm not asking for another chance at a relationship, just forgiveness." She concluded. Taken over by an intense sense of ambivalence, Francis turned to Joey, who had been awkwardly standing to the side clutching his gun the entire time.  
"What should I do?" He whispered.  
"I don't know," Joey responded. "She did some bad stuff to you. But it's your choice, I guess."  
After thinking carefully for a moment or two, Francis turned warily again to Expedius.  
"Well... I'll see what I can do."


	8. 8:59am, 4th January

"A _girl?!_ " The Donbot boomed across the room.  
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, he's a little misogynistic." Francis told Expedius. In embarrassment, Joey covered his face.  
"I'm sorry, but it's not happening." Don continued, shaking his head. "This group has been male only since it started, and that ain't changin' any time soon."  
"It's also only ever been three people, and it's the mafia for god sake!" Francis defended, closing the freezer door.  
"C'mon, boss, it's 3014." Joey agreed. "Plus, ain't it time we got a new member?"  
"No, it is not." Don said, lighting up a cigar. "She won't have any skills we need, and she's your ex, you idiot." Confidently, Expedius strutted forward.  
"Do you remember the great Guggenheim robbery of 3006?" She asked. "That was all me. Pulled it off single-handedly. If you don't believe me..." Swiftly, she reached into her bag and drew out a tiny silver frame. 

This was Yo a Vosotros, by Inés Allende, which currently held the world record for smallest painting to a certain amount of detail, despite the fact that it had been missing for eight years. Although challenging to fully appreciate without getting a closer look, it was a dark lilac colour, with strokes of crimson slashed across it, and because of its rarity, it was worth just under one million dollars.

"Holy fuck!" Joey shouted as him and Francis crowded around the artifact.   
"Just a little memento of that trip, I've got more of the paintings in my storage locker." She bragged, trying to big herself up. "So, whad'ya say? Am I in?"  
Don was visibly frozen with surprise. He had his eyes on that item too.  
"It's... It's just one robbery, anyone can do that." He stuttered, trying to mask his jealousy. Sighing, Expedius dug eagerly further into her bag, and one by one, drew out a flow of stolen treasures and shiny riches that clumped into a staggering pile on the table. Calculon's People's Choice award, Emperor Nikolai's diamond laced silk bed gown, the list went on and on. Joey, Francis, and Don himself stared in amazement, like they had just seen the face of God.  
"That's just a smattering of stuff I've got." Expedius claimed smugly, and then diverted her attention towards her finger nails. Desperately interested, Joey and Francis stared at their boss, begging with their eyes. Speechless, Don just stood, clenching his cigar as if it were for dear life. After a long, tense few seconds of thinking, Don finally spoke.  
"How do I know you ain’t a spy?"  
"Well for starters, everyone in the crime world fears but respects you." Expedius began to explain. "Secondly, you really think that a cop would steal all this?" She glanced around the room, as if waiting for an answer. "And finally, if someone was looking to infiltrate the mafia, they would go for someone who could join quickly without challenge. A.K.A, not a woman." Beginning to cave, Don was ready to admit that Expedius was pretty damn smart.  
"Alright, fine, you're in." He said reluctantly. "But if you fuck up, it's curtains for you, Expedius."  
"Please, call me Expe." She requested, proudly.


	9. 1:04am, March 2nd

"Quick! To the car!" Expe ordered, grasping the sack of loot she had draped over her shoulder. It was the dead of the night, and her, Francis and Joey were dashing down a dark alley relatively close to the Shī Qún Casino they had just robbed. As they forced open the car doors and clambered in, Expe shouted "Go! Go!" at Don, who was in the driving seat. Upon hearing this, he calmly put the metal to the pedal to the other metal, and the vehicle zoomed away. Whilst neon flashes of Chinatown passed by their windows, they pulled the hoods off their matching black sweaters and removed their balaclavas, as their identities no longer could be compromised.  
"Is anyone after us?" Expe asked sternly.  
"I don't think so." Francis responded, his face pressed up against the glass. 

Once the car had stopped completely outside the meat shop, the four of them slid out of the car, dragging their bags through the doors. Now contained within the walls, they emptied out the contents into one humongous pile.  
"Now that, is a fuckton." Joey proclaimed, observing their accomplishments for the night.  
"Great job, everyone." Don congratulated. "You head home, we'll divide it up tomorrow." Pleased, everybody stretched and began to walk out. "Hey, Expe, hold on a second." He suddenly said.  
Surprised, Expe halted and looked back. Looking back at her, Joey and Francis's tired bodies continued to slump towards the door  
"What is it?" Expe asked warily, walking towards Don.  
"I gotta tell you that your work has been fantastic so far." He revealed. "As you could probably tell, I was skeptical at first, but, I mean, I wouldn't have even thought of robbin' a casino in Chinatown."  
"Well, thanks." Expe responded, feeling rather flattered. "Sometimes you just gotta know where to look."  
"I underestimated you. And I'm genuinely sorry." Don apologised.  
"I appreciate that." She said, placing her hand on her chest. Fidgeting with his hat, Don glanced and the bills on the floor that were engulfing his feet, as if he were dipping in the ocean.  
"You go home now." He requested kindly, as he reached down to pick up a note or two.  
"Alright. Again, thanks." Expe reiterated, starting to walk away.  
"Don't mention it." He answered, thumbing through the money.


	10. 9:46pm, July 27th

"Don't you think it's a little strange?" Expe asked, tapping the table. Intrigued, Don gave her a look.  
"What?" He said in return.  
"I always thought Clamps had anger issues, but he seems fine." She explained, stroking her chin like a detective.  
"Yeah, I think they went away or somethin' recently." He replied, shrugging. Not satisfied, Expe looked down.  
"It's just, when he was with me, he seemed exactly the same," She stood up and started pacing around the freezer. "and you're saying he only got better recently?" As Don nodded, Expe realised what this could mean, and went into detective mode.  
"What if he's seeing someone new, and he's not telling us?" She deduced, excitedly. Still unconvinced, Don shook his head.  
"Nah." He disagreed. "If you wanna go diggin' around for gossip, Joey is the one hidin' who he's datin'..."  
"That's... true." She uttered, slowing down as if something else was about to come to her attention.  
"Wait, if the lessening of Clamps' anger is due to being in love..." 

Then it hit her.

"Oh my god, ooooooh my god, I've got it!" She announced.  
"Y'know how whenever Joey says he has a date with his "secret someone", and you invite us three to go out? Have you noticed how Clamps is always very reluctant to come?" She began to explain, as if giving a TED Talk.  
"I mean, yes," Don answered, "but, he doesn't like goin' out."  
"And," Expe continued, eyes widening. "Joey and Clamps always excuse themselves at really similar times."  
"What the hell are you gettin' at?" Don asked, incredibly confused.  
"What if Joey and Clamps are dating?" Expe broke her theory to Don word by word. Hearing this, he visibly jolted backwards in his chair like an easily startled animal.  
"What? No fuckin’ way, I dunno know why you think that." He quickly responded defensively.  
"Oh come on, it's obvious! I can't believe I didn't notice it before." Expe argued, placing her head on her hand in self-annoyance.  
"No, they can't be gay, no way." Don shook his head in denial, but then leaned forward, in order to make a point. "You dated Clamps, he can't be..."  
"Something about the way he acted during our relationship made me wonder if he's bi." She wondered, studying her fingers again. "And besides, Joey's definitely gay."  
"You think?" He asked, now slightly swayed.  
"Oh yeah, definitely." Expe stated, as if she had just stated the obvious. "Bella has always thought so."

A little taken aback, Don paused to in order to consider this solemnly, but swiftly switched back into defensive mode.  
"No, he is not." He said, looking slightly worried. "I've known him far longer that you."  
"Bella's known him for exactly as long." Expe argued, walking closer to Don. She explained that Bella claimed Joey always dodged questions about dating women, plus always looked very uncomfortable and rejective whenever females made romantic advancements on him. It would make sense of why Joey decided to hide his relationship in the first place.  
"That proves nothin', he just has a very specific type." Don counter-argued after hearing Expe's mini-speech.  
"Yes, MEN." She exclaimed, irritated that he wasn't latching on. Sighing, she elegantly turned and catwalked towards the door. "Look, believe what you want for now, I'm getting to the bottom of this."  
"Alright, good luck, I guess." Don responded, lost for words.


	11. 9:15, August 8

"Expe, what the hell is this?" Francis shouted, as he stormed through the freezer door, and across the room, tossing a tiny red item onto the table. It was a little circular piece of piece of plastic, but it looked like someone had tried to fold it in half, plus a few loose wires were poking out of it. Upon seeing this, Expe put on her best fake confused face, but it was as transparent as a newly polished window.  
"What? I've never seen that before!" She lied, unconvincingly.  
"Yeah, right." Francis said sarcastically. "I wondered why you patted me extra hard on the back yesterday." Stuck in a gridlock, Expe sat completely still, trying to come up with something to say, as Francis lectured her. A little worried, Joey stared at Expe, waiting for some kind of reaction.  
"Are you trying to record me?" Francis questioned, lowering his volume. Completely still, the room felt as uncomfortable as watching an inappropriate TV show with your family members.  
"Um, I..." Expe mumbled, trying to serve something as response casserole.  
"Geez, what are ya so eager to know?" He said, trying to extract some sort of answer from her.  
"Look, you're hiding something!" Expe called, standing up. "I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna find out!" Wagging her finger aggressively, she stared Francis down as if fighting him.  
"What do you wanna fuckin' know?" He asked, verging on anger.

"You two, stop, okay?" Joey commanded, anxious for being exposed. Frozen, the two members of the standoff looked dramatically at Joey, and then realized that their actions had gotten slightly out of hand. Sitting down, they gathered their thoughts, and exhaled.  
"Let me start again." Francis offered calmly. "Expe, did you try to record me?"  
"Yes." She replied, like a civilised businesswoman.  
"Would you care to explain why?" He continued.  
"I think there's something you're keeping from the rest of us." She elaborated calmly.  
"Well, there ain't, okay?" Francis finished, keeping calm.  
"Alright." Expe muttered in agreement.

Nevertheless, she knew that Francis was a good liar, and there was something below the surface that he wasn't willing to share. Perhaps it wasn't her place, but she wanted to discover it very badly. Whether or not it was the reality, she thought that she had to know.


	12. 9:15, August 8

"Expe, what the hell is this?" Francis shouted, as he stormed through the freezer door, and across the room, tossing a tiny red item onto the table. It was a little circular piece of piece of plastic, but it looked like someone had tried to fold it in half, plus a few loose wires were poking out of it. Upon seeing this, Expe put on her best fake confused face, but it was as transparent as a newly polished window.  
"What? I've never seen that before!" She lied, unconvincingly.  
"Yeah, right." Francis said sarcastically. "I wondered why you patted me extra hard on the back yesterday." Stuck in a gridlock, Expe sat completely still, trying to come up with something to say, as Francis lectured her. A little worried, Joey stared at Expe, waiting for some kind of reaction.  
"Are you trying to record me?" Francis questioned, lowering his volume. Completely still, the room felt as uncomfortable as watching an inappropriate TV show with your family members.  
"Um, I..." Expe mumbled, trying to serve something as response casserole.  
"Geez, what are ya so eager to know?" He said, trying to extract some sort of answer from her.  
"Look, you're hiding something!" Expe called, standing up. "I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna find out!" Wagging her finger aggressively, she stared Francis down as if fighting him.  
"What do you wanna fuckin' know?" He asked, verging on anger.

"You two, stop, okay?" Joey commanded, anxious for being exposed. Frozen, the two members of the standoff looked dramatically at Joey, and then realized that their actions had gotten slightly out of hand. Sitting down, they gathered their thoughts, and exhaled.  
"Let me start again." Francis offered calmly. "Expe, did you try to record me?"  
"Yes." She replied, like a civilized businesswoman.  
"Would you care to explain why?" He continued.  
"I think there's something you're keeping from the rest of us." She elaborated calmly.  
"Well, there ain't, okay?" Francis finished, keeping calm.  
"Alright." Expe muttered in agreement.

Nevertheless, she knew that Francis was a good liar, and there was something below the surface that he wasn't willing to share. Perhaps it wasn't her place, but she wanted to discover it very badly. Whether or not it was the reality, she thought that she had to know.


	13. 11:18, October 2nd

"Hey, thanks for invitin' us over." Francis thanked, as he rearranged his card hand.  
"No problem, you are my friends after all." She said kindly, dipping her hand into the bowl of bright orange nachos. She, Francis and Joey were sitting around the circular table in Expe's apartment, engaging in a game of cards. Instead of looking at her hand, Expe stared determinedly at her two colleagues, attempting to analyse something from their subtle behaviour. Swiftly, she became aware of what she was doing, and refocused onto the game, but the elephant in the room grew larger the more she tried to shrink it. She couldn't even rejoice in the fact that she had two aces. Whilst Joey and Francis were thinking of strategies to maximise their chances of winning, Expe still had a lot on her chest, begging to come off. Finally, after resisting for several seconds, she gave in.

"Look, I have to ask a question to you two." She blurted out, a little regretfully. The two opposite, looked up from their cards, and patiently awaited the question.  
"Are you two..." She paused, dramatically. "... romantically involved?"  
After yanking the words out of her mouth, she waited fearfully for some sort of response from either party.  
"What?" Francis said, convincingly surprised. "You think we're dating? Is this what this is all about?" He chuckled as he spoke.  
"Well, are you?" Expe asked again, slightly more insistently.  
"I ain't gay, Expe, and as far as I'm concerned, he isn't either." Turning his head towards Joey, he grew microscopically angrier in tone, as if to signal something. In the middle of a drink, Joey understood Francis's gaze, and frantically slammed the glass down onto the table.  
"Y-yeah, I'm not gay! We ain't in love, just friends," He exclaimed, the insincerity only slightly coming through in his voice. "I mean, I don't know about him, but I'm definitely no-" His sentence was cut off by Francis's foot sharply jabbing into his leg. Despite his efforts to suppress the pain, he squealed a little bit.  
"Why would ya think that?" Francis continued, his voice now casual and friendly.  
"Well, uh, I..." Struggling to find words, Expe looked down at the table guiltily, tapping her fingers on it. "I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know why."  
"It's okay, just a bit funny." Francis replied, eagerly picking up his cards again.  
"Now I don't know about you guys, but I think I could win this."

As the moon's ray filtered through the silver clouds above the city, Francis and Joey dragged themselves along a dimly lit alleyway quietly, as was appropriate to do after midnight in one of the world's busiest cities. But it wasn't a respectful silence, it was an uncomfortable one, and Joey felt the urgent need to slice it in half.  
"So... are we gonna talk about it?" Joey asked.  
"About what?" Francis answered, obviously upset.  
"About what happened just now." Joey clarified.  
"Thanks for specifyin', genius." Francis said, sarcasm oozing out of him like a sponge.  
"Look, what's the deal?" Joey stopped and looked at his boyfriend, with a worried look.  
"Well, for starters," Francis ranted. "She's onto us, and secondly..." He trailed off, turning away.  
"What?" Joey demanded, annoyed he had to be slowly pulling the answers out.   
"I feel bad about lyin' to her." Francis revealed slowly, through gritted teeth.  
"Why? She fucked another guy and kept it quiet from you," Joey defended. "And then she made you feel like it was your fault. Besides, I thought you wanted me to lie." He rolled his eyes subtly, whilst he scratched his neck.  
"I know, but she's better now." Francis argued sincerely.  
"Yeah, yeah, just keep tellin' yourself that." Joey also turned away, in debate.  
"She fucked you over big time, and quite frankly, you deserve to keep us a secret at least." Upon hearing this, Francis sighed, visibly pissed off.  
"She's a friend, wouldn't you tell a few select people?" He complained.  
"You might've forgiven her, but I sure haven't yet." Joey continued to speak his mind. "I can't believe she put you through all that shit and you gave her a second chance at anything!"  
"Joey, calm the fuck down, okay?" Francis became more upset.  
"To be honest, I still wonder if she only apologised to get in the gang." Joey was almost shouting now, expressing his feelings, in the most aggressive way possible.  
"Since when do you give a fuck?" Francis questioned, his voice now incredibly projected.  
"Since I became your fucking boyfriend, idiot." Joey responded, crossing his arms. Observing his aggravated pose, Francis stood in a reasonable amount of shock, the shadows of the surrounding buildings partially veiling his face. Realising that he had exploded like a volcano, Joey calmly placed his arms by his side, and lowered his voice significantly. "Since I became your friend, really."  
"Wow, uh..." Francis mumbled, still taken aback. "You really care that much, huh..."  
"Francis, of course I do!" Joey said, almost apologetically, as he placed his hand on his lover's shoulder. "I'm sorry I got so upset, I just don't want anyone to hurt you."  
Francis stared back at Joey, with a childlike innocence in his eyes.  
"I love you so much." Francis reminded, with the perfect combination of sweetness and softness.  
"I love you too." Joey told him, affectionately.

Having accomplished nothing, Expe swiftly picked up her phone, tapped around until she found the contact she was looking for, and pressed the call button. Holding the phone up to her face, she heard it beep a few times before the recipient picked up.  
"Hey, girl!" Chimed Bella from the other end. "What's up?"  
"Not much." Expe replied, unenthusiastic. "But I asked Joey and Francis if they're fucking, and they denied it."  
"Bullshit. Joey's definitely gay, I'm sure."  
"You can't be sure until he confesses."  
"Oh come on! I've known him forever." Bella then continued to list off instances and examples to back up her case. Like how whenever Don would take them to shows with tantalising women, Joey would never make any sexual comments in the way that a straight man would. Or the time they even tried to hook him up with a woman, and he did everything he could to avoid it. Her theorising was cut short by Expe on the other line.  
"Okay, okay, I know that he is gay, but until he's honest about it it's still not confirmed." She interjected. Now that Bella's case study had been interrupted, she grumbled under her breath. Still curious, Expe flopped onto her leather couch.  
"What about Clamps? Anything on him?" Nothing came through the phone for a moment.  
"Uh, no, I have no idea." Bella claimed, with disappointment mixed into her voice.  
"Come on, Bella, think! You guys are close, right?" Expe encouraged. Falling silent again, Bella hesitated like she was racking her brains.  
"Nah, nothin'." She continued to claim. "Look, I'm sure you'll get somethin' eventually. Just keep lookin'"  
"No, I've gone too far already," Expe admitted. "I should get out of their business."  
"Girl, you're in too deep now." Bella warned, becoming more serious.  
"But what if they do get found out?" Expe worried. "What if your dad kicks them out? Or kills them?"  
Hearing this, Bella sighed knowingly. "Yeah, maybe you're right." She agreed, aware of the situation.


	14. 10:25, February 13th, 3015

Like golden coins, the cigars poured out of the bag and piled up one by one. Once the very last joint was out, Expe threw the empty sack carelessly onto the floor, and sighed in completion.  
“Damn, it’s been a while since we stole such expensive cigars.” Don announced proudly.  
“C’mon, let’s give ‘em shot then.” Expe said, rubbing her hands together eagerly. Both of them, reached down and grabbed a cigar each, and Don was about to reach for the lighter in his pocket, but then turned his head across the table curiously.  
“Uh, Joey, ain’t you gonna have one?” He asked, politely. Spinning around on his chair like a child, he looked over at his boss without showing too much emotion.  
“No thanks.” He responded, spinning the chair in the other direction. It was only when he quickly turned back around that he noticed all the stunned eyes shooting at him like guns.  
“But Joey, you love a good smoke.” Expe questioned in confusion.  
“Eh, not anymore.” He disclosed, his tired eyes focused on the wall. 

Still slightly astonished, the other three discussed in mutters and whispers, making bewildered expressions and hand gestures at each other, before calming down and the gradual death of the conversation. Slightly concerned, Francis carefully placed his clamp on Joey’s shoulder.  
"Joey, what's up?" He asked kindly.  
"Nothin', I just don't wanna smoke anymore, okay?" Joey replied, slightly aggressively, as he stood up suddenly. "Is that so difficult to believe?" Everybody shrugged at each other, as he collapsed into his seat again.  
"I'm goin' home." He declared, rising again, and making his way to the freezer door. "Just sell some and give me the money later."


	15. 2:07, February 17th

Half asleep, Francis opened his grey front door to find Joey standing guiltily with a small black rucksack in his hands.  
"Joey, what the fuck are you doing here? It's 2am." Francis moaned, struggling to keep his eyes open.  
"I'm sorry." Joey apologized. "My neighbour keeps havin' purposefully loud sex just to piss me off and keep me awake. Mind if I crash here for a while?"  
"Yeah, of course," Francis sighed, walking back into his apartment. "But couldn't you have called me first?"  
“Sorry.” Joey apologised a second time, before following Francis to his bedroom. As he arrived there, Francis dazedly opened a cupboard to the left of his bed. The room was only lit by a square beige lamp on the small bedside table.  
“Just lemme get out a spare mattress so anyone who comes over doesn’t think we’re sleepin’ under the same covers.” He explained, heaving the aforementioned mattress out. Once he let go, it flopped onto the floor freely, and he placed an apple-green duvet over it.  
“Thank you so much, I really appreciate this.” Joey said wholeheartedly, propping his bag considerately against the wall. Having retrieved a white pillow, Francis noiselessly shut the door behind him.  
“It’s fine.” He stated, now a little more awake. As Joey bent over and unzipped his bag, Francis stood motionless. Now that his mind was active, he started to swim in his thoughts, and his curiosity only increased.

“Hey, uh, Joey,” He began, watching his boyfriend unpack. “What’s the actual reason you quit smokin’?”  
Joey suddenly stopped rummaging through the bag, and looked straight ahead.  
“I told you, I just don’t wanna anymore.” He restated unconvincingly, and went back to searching.  
“Oh come on, don’t lie to me!” Francis retaliated, dissatisfied. “You’re a robot, smokin’ doesn’t harm you. There’s no good reason for you to give it up.” Ignoring the interrogation, Joey continued to passive-aggressively unpack his bag. “Joey, answer me!” Francis requested kindly. Pausing once again, Joey sighed heavily and pushed the bag away.  
"The truth is…" He revealed anxiously, standing up. “I gave it up for you.”  
“What?” Francis replied, baffled and surprised.  
“I see the look on your face when I smoke around you. I know you don’t like it, so I stopped.” Joey elaborated smoothly, shrugging a little. Flattered, Francis put his arms on his chest as if his circuitry had stopped.  
“Joey, that’s so sweet,” He expressed. “But you don’t have to change things about yourself, I love you even despite your minor flaws.” As he reached for the bag to get one more item, Joey glanced back at Francis caringly.  
“I know, but I wanted to.” He declared, replacing the bag after finding his toothbrush. Still feeling a well-blended soup of surprise, love and disorientation, Francis stood watching, but then shook his head, as if snapping out of a trance.  
“Alright, fine, you do that, but in return, I’ll change somethin’ about myself to make you happier.” He suggested, as a compromise.  
“There’s nothin’ I’d change about you.” Joey complemented, as he seated himself on Francis’s bed.

“What? No! No no no no no!” Francis exclaimed frantically, now feeling even more shocked. “I have flaws, I have problems, don’t tell me otherwise. What about my anger issues?”  
“That you don’t have anymore.” Joey noted, giving him a knowing look.  
“But I have other problems to-”  
“Okay, maybe you’re not perfect,” Joey interrupted, relaxing his posture. “But… you are to me.” This is once again one of those situations where Francis felt the emotions that would cause a human to blush. However, it was soon invaded by a sense of guilt.  
“But…” He trailed off. Joey stared, interested. “But I didn’t think you were perfect.”  
“That’s okay.” Joey shrugged, as carefree as a small child.  
“What? But I feel bad now!” Francis proclaimed, standing up.  
“You don’t have to feel bad just because you didn’t think I was perfect.” Joey reminded, in a calming fashion.  
“Okay, but surely then, you ain’t gotta stop smoking for me.” Francis pointed out, sitting down again.  
“Well, I did.” Joey said, laying down upright. Feeling a weird mix of emotions again, Francis also lay down onto Joey’s chest. He was tired, after all.  
“Hnnngh… you’re amazing.” He acknowledged, almost silently.

At that moment, Francis felt something new. He knew what love was, so perhaps this was more like a Love 2.0. For the first time in his life, he understood satisfaction, like he had been running on the wrong type of fuel for the entirety of life until now. Suddenly, the shackles of his past were broken, and he forgot the sensation of pain. How could a robot feel something so complex? As he lay there, his exhaustion overcome by questions, he had the epiphany he had been hungry for. Though he knew how much he loved Joey, it only just occurred to him how much just being with him had done. Joey was the missing brick in the wall, the remedy to the sickness, the solution to the problem. In that moment, as the recognition swept over Francis like a gust of wind, he found himself doing something he had never thought about in his fast-paced, demanding, cutthroat life before.

He was fantasising about the future with Joey.


End file.
